Insomniac Musings

It's late, I can't sleep and I feel like a shitty person for waking my friend up.

See, I was lying on the pillow and I felt genuinely tired until I started to think. Don't you hate that? When your thoughts and your silent mind-rambling creep into the sleepy parts of your brain and whisk you into consciousness? I tried to fall asleep, I really did. But suddenly, for no specific reason, I started vividly imagining how it would feel like to visit school again. I sound like a corny idiot, trust me, even I'm surprised because I'm not the school-nostalgic type, but this is different. You see, I reconstructed everything in my head and I felt as if I was actually there. In the library, through the corridors, in the cold classrooms on a sleepy Monday morning. And then it hit me: In my reconstructions, every place I visited, was accompanied by people. Familiar faces, friends, acquaintances, teachers.

I realised that from now on, whenever I might choose to visit school, it will be the same place visually, but completely different in its entirety. It will be lacking. Lacking my friend's sleepy morning face, sitting on the wooden bench, warmly wrapped in her coat. Lacking the playful insults exchanged, the gossip flowing around, the heartbreak analysed over Bic pens and notebooks during class. Lacking the way he looked in that baby blue sweater, and the way I got weak in the knees every time we spoke. Lacking the cigarettes we sneaked in between classes. Lacking all the fun. Lacking all the blissful ignorance.

Lacking everything.

My life is so far away from all that now, in every sense. Visiting my school seems bizarre. The fact that we are all supposed to be adults is bizarre. The fact that we're all at university is bizarre. The fact that I'm doing my own laundry is the most bizarre of all!

And though I don't think about it often, sometimes I stand astonished looking at the way time flies by, when you wake up and realise you're not 16 anymore.

I hope writing this, and getting all of it off my chest will help my insomnia.

From now on, I promise to start taking sleeping pills, and not take (all) my bullshit out on the blog.

x.